Introduction
Hidden between the rolling fjords of northern Europe and the vast nothingness of “uncharted space on old maps,” the Glorious Republic of Snorfland is a destination like no other. TARITOTO With its unique blend of eccentric traditions, peculiar laws, and culinary experiments that toe the line between genius and felony, Snorfland is the holiday you never knew you needed—and perhaps never wanted.
Getting There
You cannot technically buy a ticket to Snorfland. Commercial airlines refuse to fly there, not due to danger, but because Snorfland insists that all visitors arrive via “Official Welcome Sled,” pulled by six albino reindeer. The sled departs from an undisclosed location in Norway twice a week, weather permitting, and only if the reindeer are in the mood.
Visas are granted upon arrival after you pass the Snorfland Hospitality Quiz, which includes such questions as:
“What is your opinion of fermented turnips?”
“How many sausages is too many?” (Hint: there is no wrong answer.)
The Capital: Gloobleburg
Gloobleburg is a city where time seems to operate on a polite delay. Its cobblestone streets wind unpredictably, often doubling back to the same café you left ten minutes ago. Locals say the streets “choose where you need to go,” which is charming until you’re late for your bus and it sends you to a hat shop instead.
Landmarks include:
The Monument to Things Misplaced – a towering sculpture made entirely of lost mittens, umbrellas, and unmatched socks.
The Royal Soup Fountain – functioning both as a water feature and a public dining facility. Every Tuesday, it gushes with hot beetroot soup for anyone with a spoon.
Culture & Customs
Snorflanders are famously welcoming, but they have rules:
Never refuse a second helping – refusing is seen as a personal insult to the cook’s ancestors.
Always compliment the mayor’s moustache – regardless of who the mayor is or whether they actually have one.
Do not whistle indoors – this supposedly summons “The Taxman,” a mysterious figure no one wants to meet.
Festivals
If you time your visit well, you may witness one of Snorfland’s legendary festivals:
The Annual Sausage Parade (May) – floats shaped like sausages, sausages shaped like floats, and a contest to see who can eat the “Sausage of Infinite Length.”
Night of the Whispering Turnips (October) – turnips are carved with faces and placed in windows; locals claim they whisper advice to passersby, ranging from helpful to mildly insulting.
Snowpants Day (January) – citizens wear decorative snowpants in honor of Snorfland’s victory in the “Great Winter Trousers Shortage of 1892.”
Cuisine
The national dish, blargstew, is a bubbling mixture of root vegetables, mystery meat, and exactly one cinnamon stick. It’s served in portions large enough to feed a small army, or one particularly hungry Snorflander.
Other local delicacies include:
Pickled Cloudberries – both sweet and sour, perfect with bread or on ice cream.
Cheese With Opinions – a semi-hard cheese that “tells” you how to eat it via tiny notes hidden in the rind.
Suspicious Pudding – no one knows exactly what’s in it, but everyone swears it tastes “surprisingly fine.”
Currency
Snorfland uses the Snooble, a currency made of thin wooden tokens that smell faintly of cinnamon. Inflation is rare, as the economy runs mostly on bartering, favors, and “emotional IOUs.”
A common transaction might go like this:
“I’ll give you three snoobles and a promise to feed your cousin’s geese in exchange for your hat.”
Accommodation
Hotels in Snorfland come in three varieties:
Themed Inns – such as The Sleepy Turnip, where every room is decorated like a vegetable patch.
Communal Halls – you sleep on giant shared mattresses, and in the morning, everyone gets tea served by the local baker’s grandmother.
Official Nap Zones – designated open-air areas with public blankets and a mild encouragement not to snore.
Laws Tourists Should Know
Snorfland’s legal system is efficient but odd:
Public Yawning is illegal unless you cover your mouth and apologize to the nearest tree.
Owning More Than Five Scarves requires a permit.
Dancing Without Music is encouraged but must be done in pairs.
Violations usually result in a fine, community service, or being made to write a formal apology in rhyme.
Nature & Adventure
Outside the cities, Snorfland boasts spectacular landscapes: glittering frozen lakes, dense forests of pine and birch, and the famed Humming Mountains, which emit a low, musical tone when the wind blows just right.
Popular activities include:
Ice sledding down Mount Snoobert
Turnip-picking in the Valley of Rooty Delight
Midnight sauna marathons, followed by rolling in snow until you regret your life choices
A Brief History
According to legend, Snorfland was founded by three brothers who accidentally got lost while trying to deliver a giant cheese wheel to Sweden. Deciding the landscape was nice and the locals were friendly, they stayed—and declared themselves co-kings.
Snorfland has never fought in a war, though it once came close during the “Great Marmalade Disagreement” of 1742, resolved peacefully over tea and biscuits.
Why You’ll Love It
Snorfland is not for everyone. If you need reliable public transport, strict schedules, or cuisine without mystery ingredients, you may struggle. But if you appreciate hospitality, laughter, and the occasional talking turnip, you’ll find yourself falling in love with this ridiculous little republic.
As the Snorfland tourism slogan goes:
“Come for the sausages, stay because the reindeer took your sled.”